The Buttercup Splendour

Guest House

...is reopening for business!

Disappointed tourists, concerned locals, and unpaid suppliers alike could not have failed to notice that recently the village of Farrowly has been without its grand old guest house.

Farrowly has much to offer visitors, beyond its quaint houses, traditional pub, and picture-perfect location in the heart of the English countryside. Its real charm lies in the dozens of public footpaths that pass through surrounding fields and woodland. A recent resurgence in popularity, thanks to a predominant mention on the hit BBCTV show Watchdog, means these humble pathways are once again getting worn down under the feet of enthusiastic ramblers, weekend-breakers, and fracking protesters alike. We hope to provide a welcoming rest haven for all these new visitors to Farrowly, by bringing its cherished guest house back to life.

For almost a decade The Buttercup Splendour has been closed to the public and falling into disrepair. However, with an abundance of enthusiasm, my husband and I have said "goodbye" to our hectic and stressful London lifestyle, and taken up the challenge of moving to Farrowly, paying what feels like a small fortune to lovingly restore, and have squatters removed from, this glorious old inn.

This is a completely new venture for us. We were keen to find something challenging, exciting, and focused, and according to our marriage guidance councillor, reopening this guest house was just the distraction we needed. It's a big responsibility, but we have all the experience and credentials required to make a success of The Buttercup Splendour. My husband has tried to run many businesses in the past. As for me, I've recently gained my own qualifications that will come into play, including an NVQ in Hospitality and Catering, full first aid training, and the completion of an anger management course.

This website is temporary. You can expect a much fancier one coming soon, from which you can book accommodation, view photos, and make complaints. Whilst a paid IT professional corrects the naive assumption my husband made about how easy building a website would be, we're utilising this space to advertise vacancies for the staff that we'll need to help get this business up and running. So, if you're local to the area and if any of the following job opportunities appeal to you, then please do not hesitate to drop your CV through the door.

Deputy Manager.

We're both new to the guest house game so need a reliable expert to guide us through the first few critical months, and then beyond. You'll have experience, confidence, and the ability to stand your ground and say when you think we're doing things wrong. We don't want a "yes" man, that's gotten us into too much trouble in the past. We need you to be managerial, instinctive, and patient with us, able to deal with an enthusiasm that can eclipse logic, a drive that can sometimes overtake budget, and disagreements that have, in the past, rapidly escalated into loud and violent arguments. Too often have we relied on the police to break up our "domestics". Now we'd like to rely on you.

Housekeeping.

You'll be efficient, thorough, and trustworthy. We need someone that can clean a guest's room to a high standard, leaving it tidy and feeling homely. You'll need to be a special kind of person, respecting guest's privacy by turning a blind eye to the content of their room. At least as far as my husband is concerned. No matter how much he asks you, you must never reveal if there's anything that looks expensive in a guest's room. In fact, we might just have to get you to pretend that you don't speak English, or that you're deaf, or something like that.

Porter.

Do you like carrying other people's luggage? Is that the sort of career that you can see for yourself? We need a general dogsbody to carry guest's bags from their car to their room and then back again (not straight away). It's really more physical work than anything else so we're not looking for Albert Einstein or anyone too chatty. Your main priority will be to make sure that from the car to the room each piece of the guest's luggage is treated with TLC and not touched by the ground, the wall, or my husband.

Barman.

By some miracle, my husband's managed to get hold of an alcohol licence and so we are looking for a barman who is experienced, versatile and who knows his ales from his cocktails. You'll have charm, sharp bar skills and able to make our guests feel at home. You'll have a good ear for conversation, maybe a shoulder to cry on, and the conviction to stare my husband, effectively your boss, in the eye and refuse to serve him when he's clearly had too much to drink. Probably on a daily basis, around 5pm, when he begins to argue loudly with the telly. This is an update to the advertisement I thought I could trust my husband to place in the local press that said we were looking for Batman.

Security Guard (evening work).

Though we don't envision any trouble from locals, a security guard is needed (a) to fulfil insurance requirements and (b) because we want our residents to feel as safe as possible. Duties will mainly involve nighttime patrols, but we will also need someone responsive and forceful should the need arise. My husband has had hypnotherapy and medication for his intense sleepwalking, but sometimes alcohol will negate these, and in the past his bouts have been aggressive and unpredictable. Be prepared!

Grounds keeper.

This is a very specific role, for a very specific person. You'll be young, fit, male, and probably looking to earn some cash to help you through a physical education degree that's left you with a toned and muscular body. You'll have a good sense of humour (not a deal breaker), enjoy the company of a more appreciative big-city woman, and able to offer distraction from the weary chore of dealing with a man who's little more than an overgrown toddler. There is a lot of backbreaking work to do, and we require some one that is young, fit and doesn't mind getting their hands dirty. But mainly young and fit. The prize possession of my garden is my fabulous rose bush. So, if you really are young and fit, and know how to handle my bush in a way that my husband has never mastered, then I REALLY need to hear from you. There might also be some leaves that need sweeping or something. If you can do it with your top off then there will be a bonus in it for you. Apply for this audition now.

Anyone.

Please, anyone that knows anything about plumbing. As soon as possible. You don't even have to be a professional. Seriously. I think my husband has only made things worse. It's beginning to smell.

Please only apply if you are currently a resident of Farrowly or its surrounding area. We'd prefer to keep the staff local. My husband seems to think we can get away with not having a concierge, and, as neither of us know very much about the area, it would be good if someone in the guest house did. This will help us to become a central part of the village (not literally, we're a short drive away, and with only 5 parking spaces it's a toss-up between staff and guests as to who gets to park their car).

This will be a strictly no-smoking establishment. My husband has a history of falling asleep on the sofa with a lit cigarette in his hand, and his promise to give up smoking was one of the conditions of our reconciliation - so I want any and all temptation kept out of his way. Also, thanks to my husband's stubbornness over a disagreement with BT, we have no landline, so staff will be encouraged to bring their own mobile phones (for emergency use only). Though we warn you, reception is not great.

We look forward to welcoming you to The Buttercup Splendour family.